Sign up to our free Living Well email for advice on living a happier, healthier and longer lifeLive your life healthier and happier with our free weekly Living Well newsletterLive your life healthier and happier with our free weekly Living Well newsletterIt’s natural to worry about your child being bullied, but it can be a tremendous shock to discover it’s actually your child doing the bullying.Bullies are often written off as empathy-lacking bad apples who can’t and won’t change, but that’s not the case, says director of the Anti-Bullying Alliance, Martha Boateng. “Bullying is a behaviour choice and not something that somebody is,” she explains. “A child displaying bullying behaviours doesn’t make them a bad person. It can be a sign they need guidance and emotional support, but often parents can feel really embarrassed and worried about it. They can find it quite hard to believe their child could be displaying bullying behaviours.”She says “acknowledging it’s a part of children’s lives” and “that learning how to be with each other and deal with relationships is a normal part of growing up” is really important, as is realising “your child is learning and can unlearn these behaviours as well”.In the run-up to Anti-Bullying Week 2025 (November 10-14) we look at what triggers bullying behaviour, and how parents can help their child stop treating others unkindly…Red flagsBoateng says that quite often, the behaviour of children bullying is similar to the behaviour of children experiencing it. She says to look out for…Changes in behaviour“Does your child become more aggressive, short tempered or more defensive, particularly when talking about certain things like school, their youth club, or certain people?”Changes in language“It might be that they start using unkind language or start mocking or talking about other children differently.”Secretiveness“Secrecy online, being quite secretive about their messages, their phones, what they’re doing on social media, could all be signs.”Reports from others“It might be teachers, parents or aunties raising concerns. You’re not with your child all day at school, so teachers might be the first people to tell you about it.”TriggersThere are lots of reasons why a child might start bullying. “Sometimes children can bully because they want to fit in, or they’re really worried about becoming a target themselves,” says Boateng. “That can shift depending on their age, how popular they’re feeling in their social group, and that’s interlinked with low self-esteem and insecurity, which can also create feelings that might lead to bullying.”“Sometimes the most popular children don’t bully, but they do encourage other people to,” she continues. “People can be really desperate not to be the least popular or be on their own, so they’ll do what they need to, to stay in a friendship group.”Stresses like exams or family conflict can play a part too. “If there’s a sibling relationship where there’s potentially quite a lot of bullying going on, or certainly unkind behaviours, often children can take that and use it against others,” says Boateng. Learned behaviour like this can really shape how a child acts. “We can only expect children to behave in a way they see adults behave,” she notes. “They may see certain behaviours from adults, siblings or online, and they will repeat those behaviours.”Stepping inIf you find your child has been bullying, try to avoid blowing up about it – with them or the school. “The first thing to do is not judge yourself or overreact,” recommends Boateng. “Listen, don’t react with anger or shame, and give your child the space to talk about what’s happening.”“It is normal to feel upset, but try and keep that to yourself,” she adds. It is vital to “stay calm and gather the facts. Speak to the teachers and adults involved. This isn’t the first time they’ll be dealing with this,” continues Boateng. “Make it clear you’re taking it seriously and that you want to understand what’s going on and how to support your child. Keep that relationship with the school.”Supporting your childWhen it comes to talking to your child about it, it’s important to hold them to account. “Show them you’re not happy about the behaviour they’ve been displaying, but also tell them you love them. You might not love their behaviour, but you love them, and it’s a chance for them to learn and take some responsibility,” explains Boateng. “Always give them a way back, so never call them a bully. They’re choosing behaviours they can unchoose.”If the bullying has been triggered by your child worrying about their popularity ranking, “tell them, actually, it doesn’t matter whether they’re the most popular person or not, it’s much better to have a set principle of how we treat each other,” says Boateng. And if they don’t have solid relationships in their class, “is there something else you can do to build their confidence, such as finding sports clubs or volunteering, or some creative passion, so they can find their tribe?”“If there’s a serious problem with a child’s self-esteem (which is causing bullying behaviour), you might need to seek some support, whether it be through school, pastoral leads, or your GP,” she adds.ReflectLook at your own behaviour too. “It’s important to reflect, but not to beat yourself up. Think, ‘Are there behaviours I’m modelling that aren’t very nice, that my child might be hearing’? Criticising other people, moaning about your best mate you actually love, all those kinds of things children are picking up on and hearing.”Consider what your child is consuming too. “Where are they learning this behaviour from? It might not be from you, but it might be from TV, games or clips on YouTube.”Making an apologyYou might want to march your child round to the house of the child they’ve upset and force them to say sorry, but this might not go as you’d hope. “You have to take these things relatively slowly, because often, children don’t necessarily have that kind of empathy,” says Boateng. “Their brains are not developed to understand empathy in the same way a fully developed adult brain is, and they don’t always understand consequences, either. We have to teach them how to do these things; they might not instantly feel empathetic towards the person they might have bullied.”Work on encouraging empathy. “Try to make them understand how it might feel to be on the receiving end of bullying. Or ask, ‘If someone treated your sibling like that, how would you feel?’” suggests Boateng. “If you can be really clear, ‘Hey, this is not acceptable. This is not how we treat people,’ and start to build that empathy, then a genuine apology should follow.”
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The signs your child might be a bully – and what to do about it
